The Kind of Thinking That Can Solve ALL Your Relationship "Problems..."

conflict Jun 21, 2020
During these odd times of Corona, many of us have been riding the waves in our relationship...
On some days we're riding the top of the wave or surfing through the barrel like pro surfers and on other days, we find ourselves crashing over and over again, while getting caught in the rumble of the undertow.
Ani brought up a great point today which perfectly summed up what we've been creating and experiencing...
We've been stuck in habitual thought about our relationship and various parts of it, like our sex life, INSTEAD OF creating fresh thought around how we want things to look, feel & be.
We've been operating (in some ways) as if there's a "big problem" to solve INSTEAD OF operating from the premise that there's no problem at all; there's just another way we'd like things to be.
We'd noticed that since we left NYC (and have been living nomadically), the frequency of our sex has dramatically decreased, as has our connection to our individual sense of sexuality & the creative energy that comes from it.
This reality has been looming over us for the past few months...but only because we saw this as a "problem that needed to be solved."
As such, the conversation around sex has felt heavy, dense, and laced with all sorts of emotions, including shame, anger, indifference, etc.
Now, I don't know about you, but I certainly have NO DESIRE to associate those kinds of emotions with my sex life...
So what was there to do??
As Ani so cleverly pointed out to me, there's nothing to do about a problem we don't actually have. If there's anything to do, it's to stop focusing on the habitual thoughts around what we're "lacking," what's not "good enough," and what needs to be "fixed."
After having this conversation yesterday and today, we've been able to welcome TONS of fresh thought around desire, fantasies each of us has, what we'd like to try, how we'd like our sex life to be, and when we'd like to try these things.
Instead of trying to focus on "getting rid of the problem," we decided to move toward the desired destination.
After all, if you're going grocery shopping potatoes aren't on your shopping list, but tomatoes are, you won't spend your time trying to resist the potatoes or solve "the issue" removing potatoes that aren't in your cart, you'd simply grab some tomatoes and put them in your cart -- same thing here...
Where might you have habitual thought in your relationship? In other words, thoughts you've had over and over again about the way something "is" that are creating stress, discontent, and overall sh*tty feelings.
See if you can simply step back from those and allow space for a new thought or idea to enter your mind.
In allowing this to happen, you may see that there's no problem to solve in reality, but simply another perspective that can serve your intended outcome more effectively, thus allowing you to be in more joy!
Much love,
A + L

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